Disclaimer: Do NOT follow any of the advice in this blog post. Bad idea. Bad, bad idea. If you should choose to follow any of the advice in this blog post, on your own head be it.
I owe the idea for this to my very funny friend, all around good guy Brian Robinson, who I interviewed here. He posted on Facebook the challenge to ask him anything, and he would respond with bad advice. I asked him whether it would be better to sell my three semi-decent vehicles and put the money into one nice car, continue patching them up with duct tape and superglue, or just buy a good bicycle and lots of bus passes? He responded that I should sell all of them and invest in avocados.
So, to keep the chain going, some bad advice given in response to questions my Facebook friends have supplied:
Q: What’s the best way to stay connected with friends you haven’t seen in many years?
A: Start a blog about them and pay a lot for advertising. Tell all kinds of scandalous untruths about them from way back when. They’ll look you up and you’ll both have a good laugh about it and happily renew your friendship.
Q: What’s the best way to change a tire on a car, on a dirt road with no jack, a hundred miles from anywhere?
A: If the flat is on the right side, get up as much speed as possible on the three remaining wheels and abruptly turn sharply to the right. With a little luck the car will flip over and you can then access the flat with no problem. Make sure to get the spare out of the trunk BEFORE trying this.
Q: What’s the best way to get my husband to quit snoring?
A: Stuff a sock in his mouth.
Q: What’s the best way to find a new job?
A: Get a big piece of poster board and write, in large letters, “Value Adder.” Decorate it with lots of happy stickers and bright colors. Find a busy downtown area where you can encounter plenty of business people and walk around with your sign while loudly singing “I’m A Little Teapot.” When you catch someone’s eye, buttonhole them and tell them how much value you can add to their organization. You’ll be employed by lunchtime. (Be sure to dress professionally.)
Q: What is the best way to bathe a cat?
A: The important thing is to catch the cat by surprise. Wait until the feline is sleeping somewhere. Fill the bathtub halfway with warm, soapy water, nonchalantly whistling like you’re going to take a bath yourself. Then, shrieking like an attacking Highland Scot fighting for his homeland, grab the cat and sprint like mad for the bathroom. Halfway in the door, release the cat, allowing its momentum to carry it all the way into the tub. Continuing to bellow (or loudly singing Def Leppard classic rock if that more strikes your fancy), grab the scrubby loofah you’ve secreted by the side of the tub and plunge your arm again and again into the mass of bubbles until you have a firm grip on pretty much any substantial part of the cat’s anatomy. Proceed to apply the loofah vigorously to the cat.
After all this, with any luck the cat will be hyperventilating, half-drowned, and near-comatose with panic, so you can now rinse it off and gently dry it at your leisure. Have fun!